Special of the Month is Not Special

Text of an email that I sent to Dairy Queen:

I went to the DQ near my office the other day in search of a Blizzard. I have enjoyed many of the special Blizzards of the Month, especially the Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookie Blizzard, and I was looking forward to discovering this month’s tasty surprise. Imagine my disappointment when I found that August’s Blizzard was Oreo.

Now, I like Oreos, and there is nothing wrong with an Oreo Blizzard. It’s just rather ordinary. It would be a bit like Bud Lite being the beer of the week at the local watering hole, disregarding hundreds of micro brews, or even other fine Anheuser-Busch products. A Blizzard of the Month should be exciting, even daring. I surmised that Dairy Queen had run out of ideas for the Blizzard of the Month. So, I came up with a list of Blizzards that should keep things interesting for the next few years:

Chocolate Covered Cherry in vanilla ice cream
Lucky Charms
Gummi Bears
Cinnamon Bears
Red Hots
Gum Balls
Chiclets
Chunky Peanut Butter
Ginger Snaps
Molasses Cookies
Granola
Circus Animal Cookies
Cheez-Its
Rice Krispie Treats
Snack Mix (Chex Mix or Gardetto’s)
Communion Wafers
Bacos in mint ice cream
Onion
Bacon Cheeseburger
Jalapeño
Old phone books
Motor oil
Afro Sheen
Shoelaces
Legos
Pocket lint
Horseradish

And the response:

Dear Mr. Andy,

Thank you for taking the time to write to International Dairy Queen, Inc. (IDQ). We are honored that you would like to share your idea for a promotion, product or service with us.

At this time IDQ does not accept any unsolicited ideas from sources outside the company and its suppliers and agencies. We recognize that there are wonderful ideas generated every day and that they can come from a variety of sources. Unfortunately because of the volume of correspondence IDQ receives every day and the challenges surrounding evaluating each idea to determine whether it is a new idea versus an idea that is already being developed or tested, or one that has already been
considered, IDQ must maintain its policy of not accepting unsolicited ideas.

We are very sorry to decline your offered idea and truly appreciate your interest in Dairy Queen!

Best Regards,

Consumer Relations
International Dairy Queen, Inc.
www.dairyqueen.com


Paul B
Dairy Queen Customer Feedback Program
INTERNATIONAL DAIRY QUEEN, INC.

It doesn't bother me in the slightest that Dairy Queen can't accept suggestions, or that they sent me a form letter. I have little doubt that the Blizzard of the Month is determined through marketing agreements with companies like Nabisco and The Girl Scouts of America.

Paul B misses the point, though, that taking an item from the menu and calling it special doesn't make it special.

Desperation is a Stinky Cologne

On the way home from work the other day, I stopped at a mostly empty strip mall, anchored by an office supply store and a home improvement store. I wanted to look for a clearance deal on a digital camera and some sort of noxious chemical to keep spiders away from my house.

The emptiness of the strip mall was reflected in the parking lot. I found a spot about halfway between the two other stores. There wasn't another car within two rows. I turned off the car and got out.

Almost immediately, a woman in her late forties or early fifties was within arms reach of me. She said she was a realtor, and asked me if I was in the market to buy or sell a house.

"No, thank you," I replied, somewhat shaken. I started to move toward the stores. Her apparel did not seem to contradict her claim to be a real estate agent.

She was persistent, calling after me, "do you know anyone that is looking to buy or sell?"

A curt "thank you, no," was all I could muster as I walked away. I struck out on the camera, and as I walked between the stores, I noticed the realtor trying the same tactic on another hapless shopper.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket (I'll have to write later about having the Internet in my pants) and checked the temperature. The airport reading was 108 ° Fahrenheit.

Two thoughts immediately occurred to me: her desperation and my failure.

I've been out of work, over-invested, and desperate before. But I couldn't fathom the desperation required to proposition random strangers in a hot, dusty, and almost deserted parking lot. The real estate market is bad; stagnancy would be an improvement at this point. But this seemed to be only a few steps away from stepping in front of a tractor trailer.

I failed to observe this woman before I got out of my car. My sense of rational paranoia usually forces me to keep a rolling catalog of people around me, and when possible I avoid closing within about ten yards. It’s not that I’m not a trusting person; I just don’t trust most people. How I missed the realtor, in her bright green blouse and multicolored skirt, I don’t know. I’m considering it a wake up call, and I’m glad her ambitions were to only take me for six percent.

Pledge of Allegiance version 1.9

I recently went to a gathering that included a reciting of the pledge of allegiance. After mumbling through the pledge by rote, I thought about the words. I realize there has been no small amount of controversy regarding the pledge in the last few years, but I hadn't given it much thought until recently. The current version, which could probably be called version 1.1, reads as follows:

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

To me, the "under God" part is not actually the most offensive part (although I agree with Newdow and others that it needs to go). No, I have an issue with pledging my allegiance to a piece of cloth instead of the principals behind that cloth. With that in mind, I wrote a new version:

I pledge allegiance to the Constitution of the United States of America and to the republic that it formed. One nation, under law, with liberty and justice for all.

In my version, allegiance is given to the Constitution, and recognition that to the fact that it is the foundation upon which the United States was built. The "One Nation" part is retained, since it affirms that the U.S. is not a loose federation of independent states. "Under God" is replaced with "under law," a freference to the notion that "we are a notion of laws, not men." It's hard to argue with the last phrase, "...with liberty and justice for all," so that is retained as well.

I think it still needs a little refinement, but it's closer to a pledge that I can make.

Am I Really Middle Aged?

My optometrist was going over the results of my Optomap scan with me the other day, and he attempted to assuage my concern over one of my symptoms by saying that it was typical of middle-aged guys.

Nobody had ever called me middle-aged before, and I don't consider myself middle-aged.

But that sort of got me thinking. Maybe I am middle-aged because I'm acting and thinking like a forty year-old. I mean, I own my home, I'm rarely up past eleven pm, I have a decent salaried job, I get pissed off at people who play their music too loud, my hair is thinning, and I'm trying to jam every penny I can into my 401(k). These are characteristics of middle-aged people.

This tempted me to go out and buy an xBox360, as well as some pizza and beer, so that I could attempt to revive my young self through irresponsibility and procrastination. To no avail, however, as I quickly reminded myself that I don't have time or patience, and all of the 13 year-olds on Halo would make quick work of me.

Matrix Operations Made Eas[y](ier than necessary), or Always Read the Whole Question

So, last semester I took MAT187, Precalculus. The course was conducted using MathXL, which is produced by Pearson.

I think it's safe to talk about this now that I've finished the class and I have my passing grade.

This was an actual test question the chapter quiz on matrix operations. I copied it verbatim when I took the test, but I'm having a little trouble with the table formatting on LJ.

The table shows the cost per serving, in cents, for items on a hospital menu. A dietician orders 63 meals from menu 1, 48 meals from menu 2, 99 meals from menu 3, and 59 meals from menu 4.

MENU	MEAT	POTATO	VEGETABLE	SALAD	DESERT
1	44.3	6.4	10.7	7.5	8.9
2	53.5	4.2	9.3	6.5	12.1
3	46.4	8.1	12.3	8.7	9.2
4	51.7	7.8	11.7	9.7	10.2

a) Complete Matrix M that represents the data in the table.

M=	______	6.4	10.7	7.5	8.9
	53.5	4.2	9.3	6.5	12.1
	46.4	8.1	12.3	_____	9.2
	51.7	7.8	11.7	9.7	10.2

b) Complete the row matrix N that represents the amount ordered from each menu.

N= [ ___ 48 ___ 59 ]

c) Complete the product NM.

NM= [ _____1886.9 3028.5 22181.1 ________ ]

d) Complete the entry representation.

The total cost for meat is 13002.8 cents, for potatoes is __________ cents, for vegetables is 3028.5 cents, for salads is __________ cents, and for deserts is 2654.1 cents.

Don't start furiously typing numbers into Excel or your trusty TI-84 Plus Silver Edition just yet. Just read the whole problem. This is sort of one of those "When you see it, you'll shit bricks" moments.

Wait for it.

You see, every answer is in the question.

a) is answered by the table in the problem description.

b) is answered by the problem description itself.

c) is answered by (d), and

d) is answered by (c).

I'm not sure if the test writer was just trying to see if we were paying attention, or if they really bungled it this badly. I'd love to know how many people get this wrong. And since we could take the same quiz as many times as we needed to pass, I'd really love to know how many people got it wrong more than once.

The Congregating Power of Nostalgia

So, a couple of weeks ago, we were having dinner on the patio at one of the restaurants in the Tempe Marketplace. There was a giant screen over the courtyard playing music videos, which everyone was ignoring until Michael Jackson's Thriller started.

Now, I've never been a Michael fan. I was in second grade when Thriller came out, and I just didn't dig it. I was playing my mom's Beatles and Doors records.

But I digress. When Thriller started playing, all the mall patrons gathered and watched the video intently. All eighteen minutes of it. Nobody passed by. I tried to get pictures of this phenomenon, but all you can see is a bunch of peoples' backs. For eighteen minutes, though, everybody was a Michael fan. Young, middle-aged, old, white, Mexican, goth, hippie, preppie, whatever.

And then, as quickly as it had began, it was over. Thriller was replaced by a Foo Fighters video, and the crowd dispersed as if nothing had happened.